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Sunday, August 23, 2009

Dr. Chris Bern, Evil Overlord

Dreams are pretty interesting thing. My sister in-law, Mary, sent me this description of a dream she had of me.

I had a dream about you. In my dream you were pretending to be a good kind-hearted vet, when in reality you were performing evil genetic experiments on animals as part of your nefarious plan for world domination. Somehow your actions were the catalyst for some kind of Armageddon-type thing that happened in the USA. There was anarchy and a whole lotta killing, and eventually people moved out in groups for other parts of the world because North America was no longer habitable. It was kind of cool, but it was pretty violent and graphic. The best part that I remember was that you had a bunch of loyal followers that would do anything for you and you lived in this huge compound. The thing is, I think I was on the other side of the fight, and your people tried to kill me. I had to eviscerate someone with a crow bar. Anyway, since it was probably the most interesting dream I've had in a long time, I thought you might like to hear about it. Plus, you were the central character. Sorry you were the bad guy. :)

Hmmmm. Me as an evil dictator. Sure, I simply wouldn't do this kind of thing in real life. I mean, can you imagine the difficulties in managing the personnel involved? I'm sure that evil minions require a lot of care. And the logistics of running a world-wide post-apocalyptic kingdom must be a nightmare. Still, there is something amusing about the idea. I certainly wouldn't have to worry about bills and taxes anymore. If anyone bothered me or my family I could pit my legions of genetically altered hamsters against them. And I'm sure that as world ruler I could avoid traffic jams.

And that begs another question. Exactly what kind of genetic experiments would I do with animals that would lead to World Domination? Probably some dogs and cats, as they are so all-pervasive in world cultures. But I would probably design rats capable of hacking into personal computers, pigeons with mind-control powers, and the previously mentioned hamsters who would be modeled on Boo, the miniature giant space hamster (showing my geek cred here...if you laughed at this reference because you know what I'm talking about, then you can be one of my minions).

Remember how I have said before how veterinarians have lives outside of their professional lives? Now you see another side of us. And Mary, since you have discovered my nefarious plan I'm afraid that you now must die. Hamsters will show up when you least expect it.


  1. That reminds me of a story I read by Dean Koonts about genetically altered rats that get loose from the lab where they were created and attack a single mother and her two kids in their home. I wish I could remember the name of it.

    I too was wondering how your genetic experimentation led to the downfall of America as we know it, but it was a dream, I guess it doesn't have to make sense.

    By the way, since I've seen through your evil plot for months now, I'm not very worried about your hamster minions because I have secretly recruited and trained my very own ninja gerbil army to protect us from your evil creations. Weren't you wondering about the scouts you sent over last night? (That's right, I heard them scratching in the walls.) You will receive the ransom demand within the next couple of days.

  2. Oh, come on Chris (evil overlord, master, sir)! That was a good comment and totally worth a reply!

  3. Oh, don't worry. I plan on replying. I was merely biding my time, making preparations for the Great Hamster Rescue by my newly engineered stealth geckos.

  4. Oh, you are dastardly! You know I was thinking though, that Dr. Chris Bern is a pitifully un-intimidating evil overlord name. "Dr." is a good beginning, but I think you need a scarier bad-guy name. Something like "Dr. Malign" or "Dr. Vile" "Dr. Malicious" "Dr. Heinous" Ooh! How about "Dr. Agathokakological"?! Even "Dr. Nuisance" would be better than Dr. Chris Bern. I'm just saying...take it under consideration.


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