I saw these posted on a work-related forum, and thought that I would share them here. All veterinary staff will immediately understand these things. For the non-vets reading this, you may see some of yourself in this. It's all in good fun.
Rules For Visiting A Vet
1. Do not make an appointment. Just walk in, because they are going to be there anyway. Demand to be seen immediately! Become irate if you have to wait for anyone who was there ahead of you.
2. Bring your children, bring your neighbor's children. If you have no children, borrow some from a friend. Toddlers who have been walking for less than a year are best. If they are talking let them run around all over the hospital to ask everyone on the staff questions.
3. Place your pet on the exam table, then sit down. Please do not hold it. Emphasize that "It won't jump down!" and "It NEVER bites!"
4. Please ensure your mobile phone is turned on when you enter the consult room. Get as many people to phone you to find out what is happening to your dog/cat. Spend at least 10 minutes discussing this with them as well any other personal matters that come to mind.
5. Do not remove your sunglasses, especially if you have a hearing problem.
6. If you have a concern, YELL at and abuse the receptionist, then when you see the doctor, be as sweet as possible.
7. As you leave, let your un-neutered dog urinate on every stationary object until you get outside. Do not tell anyone.
8. Please tell us if there is a problem, but wait at least 3 weeks to do so. Remember, continuous diarrhea for four weeks or more is considered "An Emergency Situation!". This is especially true at closing time on the weekends.
9. If your pet is in really bad shape, tell the doctor that you have been on vacation. If you haven't brought your pet in to the hospital in two years, always tell the doctor the problem started RIGHT after the last visit and hasn't gone away.
10. Have your record under as many last names as possible. For your pet, have a registered name, a baptized name, and a nickname for each family member. Use a different one each time you come in for a visit.
11. When leaving your pet for boarding or any other procedures, never tell anyone in the office that you have changed your phone number since your last visit.
12. Never say anything important until the doctor put his/her stethoscope to their ears.
13. Always say, "Cost is not important! Just save my pet!" until you get the bill, then deny that you said it was OK to treat. Make a big fuss over every item even though you are not going to pay anyway.
14. Always bring your checkbook without any checks in it or leave home without your wallet. Only carry hundred dollar bills when you do bring it, especially if you are only buying one can of food.
15. If possible, always send your pet to the clinic with your children under 18 years of age with no money or credit cards. Never tell them why they are bringing the pet in.
16. When in consultation with the vet, do not talk to them directly, but rather baby talk to your pet about their symptom-wymptoms.
17. Always dismiss anything the vet nurse tells you regarding your pets treatment plan because "you're not a doctor". Argue intensely, use as many curse words as possible. When the vet comes and tells you the same exact thing, deny that the nurse told you anything or tried to explain something to you.
18. If you can come in wearing a negligee and fluffy slippers, full hair and makeup at 5am (after making vet wait an hour so you could do said hair and makeup), we would be really appreciative.
19. Make sure to emphasize that you used to breed German Shepherds...pause...and then say with great emphasis...WHITE German Shepherds. Then stand back and wait for the nurse to fall over because she's so impressed.
20. Complain about the cost of EVERYTHING. Stating that if you went to your doctor, you could get such and such procedure done for $100. Or that you will have to just "put your pet down" because you can't afford our prices.
21. Make sure you call an hour before closing to ask about having something done quickly (ex: express anal glands). Then, when you come in 20 minutes before closing, mention the huge list of other things you want to have looked at "since we're here anyway."
22. Make sure to never bring your dog in on a leash. It is best to let them run arround the parking lot and lobby without one. There is no need to be concerned about injury by cars or other pets.
23. Our Doctors' recommendations should not be heeded under any circumstances. They are just trying to con you out of your hard earned money. Feel free to waste an hour of out time and then decide you will take your pet home and "observe" him/her because you definitely know what is best.
24. When you believe that your pet may be in need of medication, it is not necessary to bring him/her in. Just call us on the phone and describe the injury/symptoms and we would be happy to diagnose the problem and prescribe medications for it. Of course, there will be no cost to you for the medicine, since your pet is not even our patient.
25. If your pet has eaten any type of contraband item that was within it's reach in your home, it is best to lie to the doctor to avoid having anyone know that you were in posession of said item. The doctor will still be able to save your pet's life without knowing exactly what is wrong.
26. Our Doctors have no need for a lunch hour, nor do they have any desire to spend time with their families after business hours, as our Doctors are not human but lifeless robots. Feel free to come in or call any time of day and expect the doctor to spend any amount of time you desire to talk to you about your pet's new accessories, new hairdo, or her latest outing to the dog park.